Day 109: Grumpy me

Monitor every time you tell a lie, even if it is a small one. Try to make your list shorter every day.

I am grumpy. Or rather, I can be grumpy. If someone behaves in ways I don’t like, my natural reaction is to become grumpy. I’m not angry enough to shout, or even talk let others know why I am so grouchy. I just talk less, behave less friendly, avoid polite chit-chat, and in general do my best to let everyone know that someting is not quite right — without doing much to explain what this “something” is.

I don’t want to get grumpy so fast and easily. But I am not a good liar.

If I don’t like the way someone behaves, I have a hard time hiding it — and the more I try to hide it, the grumpier I get.

I should of course tell everyone. Listen, when you behave like that, you tick me off, it’s an egoistic way of behaving, or narrow-minded, or lazy, and I really want you to be better than that. And sometimes I do. But often, that makes things worse.

When they listen and hear and understand what I am saying and yet go on doing what I tell them not to do, I get really grumnpy.

Not only do they do something annoying, they do it even though they know I find it annoying, perhaps even on purpose! And yet I should be the one who tell them lies about how great everything is, I should be the one who makes their life better!

I do my best to be humble, broad-minded, helpful and wise. I do my best to make their life better by behaving they way they want to behave, and the way they want me to behave. I go against my instincts just to please them. And yet, in the end it is I who is the grumpy, narrow-minded egoist who cannot adjust. Really?

Actually, yes. I am not a good actor: if I dislike something, I have a hard time hiding it. I have a hard time not judging it. And I end up being grumpy to protect myself.

I don’t want an all.out war, I don’t want confrontation at all, but it might be the best course anyway. Tell other what you dislike, and why. Apoligise for disliking it. Try to expand your horizon and accept that people are different, with different needs and different ways of interacting.

I don’t like to do A. I don’t like when you do A. Our personalities clash. Is there a way of dealing with that?

I don’t know. But perhaps telling the truth is the best way to go. If only I manage to do it without getting irritated.